Merry almost Christmas, everybody.
I have some great news. We are all getting--
Frozen steaks!
iPod Nothings!
Colorful sweaters!
Nope. Better.
We are getting to participate in a charity program called "Letters to Santa".
[Boos]
Liz: No, this is great.
The Post Office collects letters that poor children write to Santa
and then we go buy them what they ask for.
Look, we already did our Christmas charity work.
Everybody here chipped in to get Sue a bra.
All: Nice!
Much better! - Sweet!
Come on, nobody but me's gonna do this?.
Well, I for one think it's a great idea
because Christmas is a time of giving.
Ugh!
Are you drunk?.
On "The Spirit of Christmas".
It's this cheap, high-proof brandy I found.
I hope it's not seasonal.
I'll take one, Miss Lemon. I love helping people less fortunate than me.
Where do you find them?.
There are these Nigerians on the internet that help me.
Listen to this. "Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins.
I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school.
My dream is to be a doctor someday --"
[Cries]
That kid's never gonna be a doctor.
Better buy it a jet ski.
[General approval]
This is what the holidays are all about.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
[Phone rings]
Hello?.
Jack: I'm free, Lemon.
Where are you?. I hear sunshine.
I ducked down to Florida for a surprise early Christmas.
I showed up three days early, showered my mom with gifts.
She called them all adequate. It's a Christmas miracle!
Well, I'm glad to hear it went well. Tell Colleen I said hi.
I wish I could but she's out for her morning walk.
And I'm off to have a real Christmas.
Fly to Rio, tan in the nude, bet on some monkey wrestling.
Just like Norman Rockwell always drew it. Well, have a good flight.
I could fly there without a plane.
[Chuckles]
[Car starting]
[Humming]
[Crash and thumping Noise]
[Breathes heavy] Mother!
Hey, Toofer, can I buy a kid FUBU?. Is that a swear word?.
Okay, while FUBU is not in itself profane, I do think that--
Thank you.
Lemon --
What are you doing here?. Why aren't you in Rio?.
I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car.
What?.! Oh my God! Is she --
She's fine. She's better than fine.
They're giving her a titanium hip. Like the Terminator.
It's only going to make her more powerful!
Well, are you okay?.
How can I be?. She's here, now, in my home.
Some quack doctor strongly recommended she be around family.
Oh, ho, oh, and Colleen didn't miss that one.
[Cell phone rings]
[Sighs]
Yes, mother...
Well, why don't you try taking one of the many blankets off you if you're feeling hot.
Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard.
No I wasn't! I was just scratching my head. What!
If you need something just call down to the doorman.
Yes, he does speak English, mother. Jamaican people speak Eng--
[Breathes heavy] She hung up.
I had to cancel my trip. There's nothing going on at work.
Everyone I know is away for the holidays.
It's just me and Colleen. All alone.
Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs.
Look, I'm not doing my usual thing either this year.
Do you want me to come over later, and say hi to your mom?.
Would you, please?.
Yeah, sure. I'll entertain her.
You know, I was just thinking in the shower this morning,
what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage?.
'Cause it might go, a little something, like this--
Toofer! Toofer, my man! How's tricks?.
Ho, ho, ho...
Nah, that sounds more like Joan Rivers.
Hey are you almost done?. We need to get out of here --
-- before someone recognizes me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have to get stocking stuffers. And stockings!
Wait, what is all of this?.
You have video games in here, and sports equipment, a T.V.!
We-- I just want to make sure that DeShante, age nine, and Marcus, age five,
have a wonderful Christmas.
Are you really gonna wrap all these presents?.
Of course I'm going to wrap them, because that's what you do on Christmas.
What you don't do is call your daughter on December 22nd
and tell her that you don't really feel that you're up to hosting Christmas this year
because she's 38 and you thought that she'd have her "own family" by now.
And that instead, you're going to a couples-only retreat in Arizona,
the theme of which is "Sexy at 70".
Oh, no.
Liz, you've never missed Christmas with your family.
I know. But I have a new family, the Glovers.
And I am getting them all these rapping Santas!
[Santa's singing]
[Chuckles] Oh, oh well. I kind of assumed they would rap
which is racist on my part, but still, best Christmas ever!
You're welcome, Glovers.
[Bell ringing]
Mother, what is so urgent that you could not wait until
I came back from the front door?.
I need my other bell!
We agreed. One by the bed --
-- and one by the toilet.
Hello.
Oh Liz... hello there.
So good of you to come see me.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.
Oh, Liz, I'm so glad you're here.
I want you to know and believe
that what happened to me in Florida
was an accident.
My son, Jackie, did not run me over on purpose.
Case closed.
And I don't want to hear another word about it.
Mother, of course it was an accident, no one is saying otherwise.
The real tragedy is that the accident broke of course,
the Cartier watch
that Jackie gave me early this year for Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
Jack: It's not a Cartier, it's Chopard.
Yes, of course, Chopard. Not the Cartier watch
that I wanted. [Chuckles]
Jack: Uh, Liz, uh, could I speak with you for a second, please?.
I can't do this.
Liz: I know, it's stressful. The holidays are always stressful.
It's not just that.
Well, you're mother's hurt, and you love her.
Do I?. Do I, Lemon?.
I waited eight minutes.
What?.
After I hit her, before I called 9-1-1 I sat in my car for eight minutes.
What kind of son does that to his mother?.
Liz: Jack, you were in shock.
You froze. It happens.
It was an accident.
It was an accident, right?.
[Ringing Bell] Colleen: Hey!
What are you two girls whispering about?.!
What are you all still doing here?.
Lutz looked it up, but if we stay until noon, it counts as a work week.
Tracy: And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport.
Tracy, you made $300 million this year.
Tracy: And I'm not going anywhere for Christmas.
Kenneth: Miss Lemon, you really outdid yourself.
Those are gonna be the happiest poor kids
since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch.
She went overboard because her family's not exchanging gifts this year.
Holy Buddha, who likes Christmas?.
It's gonna cost you a fortune to ship all this.
Oh, no, I'm takin' it up there personally.
I want to see DeShante and Marcus' faces light up when they get it.
Anyway, I gotta take this up to 245th Street and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard.
Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I will not not let you go into that neighborhood alone.
In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo --
Kwanzaa.
And Shalam-Shizzam to you too, my Sister.
We'll go with you uptown.
And remember, Dot Com, you are there to protect me, and not Liz Lemon.
Guys, we are outta here in five, four, three, two...
Exciting news, everyone.
We are going to put on a live Christmas Eve Special this year!
Liz: This year as in tomorrow this year?.
Yes, that's right.
Sadly, it will mean working a lot of hours over the next couple days.
Being away from our loved ones, our mothers --
But we will be part of giving America the perfect Christmas Eve
It's going to be so worth it! Now...
Brainstorming session! Go!
[Crying] I don't want to do this.
Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group, I have to put my foot down.
Christmas is a sacred time for me and my surrogate family.
So if you're willing to look four 25-year-old gay guys in the eyes
and tell them that we're not going to see New Kids on The Block at The Borgata,
be my guest.
You are all contractually obligated to participate.
Yes, sir. I never liked that group. Sorry.
Jack, this isn't fair. Don't take your mommy issues out on us.
I'm sorry, Lemon, I'm just tryin' to get through Christmas.
And then what?.
I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine
run by the same French company that oversaw Napoleon's exile.
She will be treated humanely but there will be no escape.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much for carrying that,
I will buy you guys dinner later.
Liz, we both have girlfriends.
Liz: This is it, 4-D.
Tracy, I am gonna need you to take a picture.
You just push the little button on top.
Thanks a lot. I never operated a camera before.
I'm serious, that was very helpful.
Oh... Make sure you get the hug.
[Knocking]
Oh... Hi.
I brought these presents as part of the "Letters to Santa" program --
[Door slams]
What just happened?.
What is the past tense of "scam"?. Is it scrumped?.
Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped.
Donaghy wants a Santa costume and a Mrs. Claus.
One, two, three, four, five.
??? J-j-j-j-jingle bell, J-j-j-j-jingle bell all the way ???
??? And a one horse open sleigh! ???
No! Alfonso, I'm on the six, you're on the four.
Come on. One, two, three, four, five.
??? J-j-j-j-jingle bell, J-j-j-j-jingle bell all the way ???
Ah, my little elves at work. Looking good, gang, looking good.
Oh...
You do realize we're going into quadruple overtime.
So what?. We're giving America the perfect Christmas, Pete.
There are kids out there who never get that.
I know I didn't.
Not with Colleen around.
My dad was long gone so every Christmas,
Colleen would bring her "friend" Mr. Schwarz over for dinner
and she'd make me play songs on the piano when she would sing to him.
My parents divorced when I was nine --
Every year the dreadful moment arrived
when I would catch Mr. Schwarz caressing my mother's bony thigh.
And I'd say, "Eyes on the keys, Jackie Boy. Keep your eyes on the keys..."
And they'd ask me to play "White Christmas"
and it would turn into some boozy, burlesque travesty!
Every time I hear that song I get aroused.
What is wrong with me?.
I have to go to the prop meeting, now.
She's the reason, she's why it happened.
So the overtime...?.
Approved!
Ah!
It's Christmas!
Clerk: Next.
Yes. Finally. Hi. I would like to speak to whoever screens the "Letters to Santa".
Then you better talk to that box.
We-uh, maybe you can help me -- Trené.
Irene.
Irene, I believe that I was the victim of a scam perpetrated through the mails. So...
There's nothing we can do about that.
Liz: I disagree, I think there are a lot of things we could do.
I would like to access any census information you have for this address.
No.
In addition, I would like to speak to the letter carrier...
You know we're closin' in five minutes, right?.
Who services this zip, plus four.
Never gonna happen.
Can you help me out with her?.
Oh, really?. We're both black so we must know each other --
Hey, Irene!
Hey, Tracy!
Did Vicki hook you up with this job?
Yes...
Oh, girl, you better stop.
Hey, you don't know the Postmaster General do you?.
I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp.
I mean, if I want to lick a hippie I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.
Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?.
I have no choice. I can't go home.
Come on, you can go home --
No. I can't. Last night we had...
an incident.
Colleen: Jackie, sweetheart,
can you get this heavy, wool blanket out from underneath me?.
I'm sweating like a grape picker.
Come on, put some back into it, Jacqueline. Ha ha.
My other hip!
I think it was subconscious... I've had enough.
Fifty years of criticism and feelings of inadequacy.
Fifty ruined Christmases. I want to be free.
What are you saying?.
I can't be alone with her.
You see, Lemon, my mother is a virus and my body is trying to get rid of her.
Good God, she can't know I'm having these thoughts.
She can't know about the eight minutes.
If she knew, she'd have me arrested, she's done it before!
Hey, the candy canes are for the show.
Oh, so how'd it go uptown, Miss Lemon?.
Liz: I'll tell you how it went.
I filed a report with the Better Business Bureau.
I'm not going to rest until the "Letters to Santa" program is shut down.
What is wrong with you?.
You are being a real Scrooge!
It was just two dudes, Kenneth.
They scammed me and now they're selling that stuff on eBay.
There were no kids up there and there definitely weren't any hugs around here.
Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person
maybe you should just host "The Price is Right."
I don't believe people would do that, Miss Lemon.
This is a religious holiday, when has religion ever caused any trouble?.
Kenneth, you're naïve.
And you're acting like a real C word right now.
That's right, a Cranky Sue.
I know in my heart that children got those presents.
They didn't, Kenneth. I'll prove it to you.
It's dinner break. Tracy, we're going uptown.
All right, I'll call Grizz and Dotcom. I'm sure they're not doin' anything.
[Phone ringing] No. Dr. Williams said, "boundaries."
Jack: Oh, mother, you shouldn't be exerting yourself like that.
I'm sorry that work has kept me from spending more time with you.
What kind of time, Jackie?.
Eight minutes?. Maybe?.
John Francis Donaghy...
How could you?. How could you?.
Waiting eight minutes to call 9-1-1.
I can't believe it!
I don't know what you're talking about, mother,
and I've got to get back to work now.
Exhibit A!
Your cell phone bill.
You made a call to 9-1-1 at 8: 1 6 AM.
Exhibit B!
The watch that my son gave me for Christmas,
not the one I wanted by the way!
You had just set it before it broke of course!
When your car rammed into me down in Florida.
And it stopped at 8:08!
Exhibit C!
Sixteen minus eight is eight!
Numbers, unlike children, don't lie!
What kind of son --
What kind of mother tells her son that
John Kennedy died because he talked in church?.
Or tells her son when he's voted captain of the diving team,
quote, "What a great way to meet guys"?.
Oh!
Or invites strange men over on Christmas Eve?.!
Don't turn this around, Jackie! Don't make this about me!
It's always about you!
I am 50 years old.
You have ruined every Christmas I've ever had
and I'm not letting you take this one down too!
You're walking away from me!
Jack: More snow machines!
You see Kenneth, those drawings are a clue that children live here.
Lebowsky out.
This bare door is a scam door.
No. Children live here, I know it.
[Knocks]
Get ready to have your little bubble burst.
Come on, Christmas... Come on, Christmas...
Hello?.
Oh, my gosh, are you DeShante and Marcus?.
And you got the presents?. There are presents under the tree?.
I did that! I got that stuff for you!
I'm the one who made Christmas happen!
What about Santa?.!
Daddy, she said there's no Santa Claus!
What is wrong with you?.!
No, I, it's a, I did a good thing. I got the letter from--
Yeah, the letter that said "Dear Santa," not "Dear Lonely White Lady."
I'm sorry.
Could I offer you tickets to a live Christmas special in the tradition of Andy Williams.
[Door slams]
Okay, you were right. So, yeah, you were right.
Do you know your mother is here?.
I don't care. I'm trying to produce a Christmas special
that makes "It's a Wonderful Life" look like "Pulp Fiction."
Where the hell is Mrs. Claus, you can't do Christmas Eve without her.
What is wrong with you people?.!
We're on in 30 seconds.
How can we not have Mrs. Claus?.
I didn't realize you were serious about that so I cut it --
You can't cut Mrs. Claus!
Everyone knows that on Christmas Eve Mrs. Claus hangs your stockings
and then puts out food for Santa.
Then you sing songs around the piano until she tucks you in.
Did your mother not do that?
That's not a thing, Jack.
Yes, it is.
No, Mrs. Claus must have been something special that Colleen did.
Probably to make up for the fact that your dad wasn't around.
No, Christmas in the Donaghy house was awful.
Have I not told you about my mom's Yuletide boyfriend,
good old Frederick August Otto Schwarz III?.
F.A.O. Schwartz, like the toy store?.
His family owned some toy stores. Yes, so what?.
Jack, I think your mother "put out" on Christmas to get you kids presents.
She did it for you.
Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
I know you guys were pretty poor. Did you have a lot of presents?.
You couldn't even see the tree!
In five, four, three...
Our first guest has sung with everyone from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee.
Cross the piano!
Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!
[Applause]
??? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ???
??? Jack Frost nipping at your nose ???
??? Yuletide carols being sung by a choir ???
??? And folks dressed up like eskimos ???
??? Everybody knows a turkey and some mistle toe ???
Liz Lemon, I know you're going to be all alone on Christmas Day.
So if you'd like... you can spend it with the Jordans.
I'd love to, Tracy.
Good. We'll be over at 2:00.
My kids have a peanut allergy,
but my dogs only eat steak.
Okay.
??? They know that Santa's on his way ???
[Plastic rustling]
What on earth is the matter with you?.
I love you mother and I don't want you to die.
I'm never going to, Jackie.
??? To see if reindeer really know how to fly ???
??? And so I'm offering this simple phrase ???
??? To kiss from one to 92 ???
??? Although it's been said ???
??? Many times, many ways ???
??? Merry Christmas ???
??? Merry Christmas to you ???
Colleen: You're flat Jack.